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Medical Melodies and Surgical Songs

by Henrik Widegren

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1.
Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren One evening, my father said: My son I’m dying and soon I’ll be gone But before my final farewell: Hear me. And hear me well Do whatever you want to do Have a plan or roll the dice But one thing is strictly taboo Please, follow my advice Never google your symptoms That is my only prescription You get a hundred diagnoses And medieval prognoses Every sign is a serious condition If you google “cough” and “diagnosis” You have got tuberculosis And if you google “fever and red” You’ve got Ebola and soon will be dead And if you google “I’ve a runny nose” It’s CSF. Your brain is leaking juice! And if you google itch and prognosis: Anaphylactic chock or psychosis So never google your symptoms Seldom it brings any wisdom You want to discover But you might uncover That you have an extra chromosome So this is what I heard my father say And then he closed his eyes and passed away The autopsy report was very clear Death from hypochondric fear Which is custom When you google your symptoms Never google your symptoms The hit list is never awesome Pain in your left arm? Heart attack alarm! Do you feel a little weak? Yes, you’ve got ALS! If you have a slight anemia You’ve got leukemia! Are you a little crazy? You’ve got ADHD! So never, ever google Your symptoms!
2.
Music: Amilcare Ponchielli (La Gioconda) Lyrics: Henrik Widegren Dearest mother, let me text you I was bothered when I was next to This fella in a sports bar And then I spent the night at the ER The nurse said: You’re next in line In a minute you will be fine But a bus crash created chaos And nothing happened to me for eight hours My first doctor smelled like garlic But the second: Alcoholic Disinfectant? Maybe yes But should you have a disinfectant breath? Then they had to run some blood tests A young student did her very best She worked her needle for 30 minutes So now my arm has many holes in it Then they sent me on a CAT scan But that wasn’t a very good plan Got a serious contrast reaction But I felt better after intubation But ICU was a problema Cause they thought I was in coma They took my kidney, but I was blessed I woke up so they didn’t take the rest But alas! I got sepsis And of course endocarditis Of multiresistant Staph Aureus So I got new valves and I feel glorious Was intubated in September When I woke up in November I was in pain and got a pill Of course I choked and I went very still Someone did a Heimlich’s maneuver But the pill, it went nowhere I turned blue and saw my life in slow-mo So quickly, they put me in an ECMO Woke up with soap in my groin Because a nurse cleaned my loins I was high and she was Venus We were married two days after Christmas Now I’m in rehab. I like my life I’ve got a new valve and a wife And I don’t miss my other kidney It’s inside a lucky guy who lives in Sydney So, dearest mother, this is the last verse But I’m happy it didn’t get worse If you remember, I was battered But I was lucky, cause my nose wasn’t fractured
3.
4.
Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren Today. I found my love today Everybody says they knew long ago But I am not that way I demand evidence before I say I know Finally it came to me: My theory’s confirmed In all my experiments I have seen a trend The null hypothesis is not at all sustained It’s very likely That you are more than a friend I love you more than the median I am certain cause the p-value is 0.01 Our love is blessed by a t-test I can prove to you: I love you Yes, I have evidence that you have got a crush The autonomic nervous system doesn’t lie Your dermal capillaries dilate and you start to blush And our pupil size correlation is extremely high Your curves don’t have a normal distribution And your eyes are in the top ten percentile rank Come with me and you will see my logical conclusion A love that is statistically significant You love me more than my control group Cause you see when we meet your heart goes boop, boop, boop And your pulse rate accelerates when we’re on a date You must agree: You love me I look into your eyes and think of decimals of pi And playing with your open spreadsheets makes me high And now my hard y-axis grows and reaches up to ten And touches my x-axis until we come to origin I love you and we have the evidence Other people’s love can be a coincidence They want flowers but we want Hard statistical power It’s the best breakthrough I love you And no one can doubt it We can shout loud that we’re in love and proud We have proofs in stacks And no alternative facts I can prove to you That I love you That I love you…
5.
Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren Ladies and gentlemen Please, let me sing Let me tell a story, So hideous and grim It is just as crooked As a tortellini It is about the surgeon Paolo Macchiarini T’was in Stockholm, Sweden Two thousand ten A surgeon was recruited By enterprising men They celebrated with Champagne and Martini: ”Hooray we got the superstar Paolo Macchiarini!” He wanted to facilitate The patients’ respiration With advanced medical Regeneration He thought outside the box And anything goes So he planted stem cells On a garden hose But some people were Somewhat sceptical What if the new trachea Did not stick at all? But no one likes A naysaying genie So they cheered and bowed To Paolo Macchiarini The next year in Stockholm Opening night The OR was packed Everybody wanted a bite But Paolo loved animals Protocol, be cursed! So he tried the operation On humans first In fancy papers he Described his victory And soon he operated Patient two and three But he forgot to mention Something very odd How the first patient was Coughing up blood Next in line was Julia Not sickly at all He told her that the risk Was very, very small She had a family and her hair Was blond like linguine She trusted the surgeon Paolo Macchiarini So Paolo kept busy And patients in line But the plastic airways Weren’t doing fine The tracheas are perfect Reported Macchiarini But the tracheas looked like Rotting zucchini One day four doctors Finally awakened And shouted out: “The emperor is naked” But the board said: “How have you acquired These medical records We could have you fired” But soon everybody In this world could see Plastic doesn’t work But there was no plan B Slowly the patients Lost their breath Their new, fantastic airways Caused a slow death At last Macchiarini Together with the board And the president Were fired. Thank the Lord But they’ve got new jobs Are safe and sound While half a dozen patients Lay in the ground So why do I sing this? Why do I bore ye? Because we must never Forget this story A mixture of Bergman and Fellini The ballad of the surgeon Paolo Macchiarini The superstar surgeon Paolo Macchiarini
6.
Music: Henrik Widegren, Markus Nilsson, Tobias Ekqvist Lyrics: Henrik Widegren You can listen to the beating of the heart You can hear all the murmurs of the valves You can hear the air in the lungs And all the bubbly stomach sounds It’s always good to have a stethoscope A stethoscope, a stethoscope It’s always good to have a stethoscope You can strangle an irritating patient You can sell it if it’s valuable and ancient You can use it as a wrecking ball If your house is very small It’s always good to have a stethoscope Tie a wild and hyperactive child Wrap it round your head to make you styled Hang a dozen on your yacht and they’ll Be like fenders on your boat rail It is good to have a stethoscope A stethoscope, a stethoscope It’s always good to have a stethoscope If your friend has fallen from a dock Take your stethoscope and pull him up Or bring it on your submarine As a useless periscope It’s always good to have a stethoscope You can use it to caress your thigh If your special friend has said good bye Or why not tag along And use it as a thong It’s always good to have a stethoscope A stethoscope, a stethoscope It’s always good to have a stethoscope You can always brush away some wax If you’re hungry and in need of snacks Or use it as an endoscope If so, be sure to clean with soap It’s always good to have a stethoscope If you think that S&M is hip You can always use it as a whip Or give a stethoscope fetishist His biggest trip It’s always good to have a stethoscope If you’re full and you would like to choke You can pull it up and down your throat Or write a really shitty song That no one wants to quote It’s always good to have a stethoscope A stethoscope, a stethoscope It’s always good to have a stethoscope…
7.
Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren Tony lay looking at the sun going down He was in the hospital and he was ninety-one He was in pain, but his wife and memory were gone He lay and smiled and thought: “Dear Lord, now I am done” Now is the time. I want to die Now I have done all that I planned I want to say goodbye Now is the time. I want to die He saw the doctor’s worried look and thought: “Hooray! Finally they’re giving up. They’ll let me pass away” But the doctor said: "You may be an old man But Tony, I will get you well. I will do all I can!” So Tony was prescribed seven new, expensive pills To eat three times daily, before all his meals But he put all the medicines in the flowerpot All the pretty flowers died but Tony did not The doctor in the ward was a nice and friendly guy He said: “You’re lucky you don’t smoke, ‘cause smokers tend to die” So right away, Tony made his start smoking plan And soon he was chain smoking like a Marlboro Man Now is the time. I want to die Now I have done all that I planned I want to say goodbye Now is the time. I want to die One day the doctor didn’t seem at ease and scratched his head: “We must replace your heart. Otherwise you’re dead!” So Tony switched beds before the operation So his neighbor got Tony’s heart transplantation So Tony thought: “Yes, I will die sooner than him” However Tony’s neighbor happened to win Because the roommate got a serious transplant rejection And died two days later in his complication Now is the time. I want to die Now I have done all that I planned I want to say goodbye Now is the time. I want to die But Tony recalled the Count of Monte Cristo’s trick This is the way out. I have to be quick He switched beds again and prayed to the Lord And under the blanket he was rolled to the morgue Once in the lift things didn’t go according to plan His throat was dry and itching. He was an old man He coughed under the blanket and sat up and smiled But the poor nurse got a heart attack and died When Tony returned to the ward he was stressed Everybody knew and the doctor was depressed So Tony thought to himself: I will tag along And take all my doctor’s medication from now on So Tony took his pill organizer, but did not Empty it in the window frame flowerpot But he got swollen in the throat and died, because you see He had a drug allergy and now he’s free! Now is the time. I want to die Now I have done all that I planned I want to say goodbye Now is the time. I want to die
8.
Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren There is a principle Called the sausage principle It says: If you love something, leave it that way And never find out how it is made I love to sing I love how voices ring But I had to see it to be satisfied And this is what it looks like inside: A lovely note comes from a slimy throat The vocal cords don’t win beauty awards It may seem strange, but nothing’s wrong An ugly tube makes a pretty song Now that I know I must let it go Jussi Björling, Judy Garland and Maria Carey I love you even though your throats look scary So when your lover sings Smile and pull him closer Listen to his magic music, look into his eyes And whisper: “I love your mucosa” A pretty waltz comes from hideous vaults A melody is just anatomy The very source of a lullaby Will probably make the baby cry A smell of rose goes to a snotty nose Vivaldi’s tone comes through a wax-filled zone A tender loin and a good Champagne Goes to a sticky gut and a gooey brain A sticky gut and a gooey brain
9.
Music: Traditional (Monday Morning) Lyrics: Henrik Widegren Tonight isn’t like any typical night Cause tonight in the blood bank there shines a light Bruce is a blood donor. His heart is cursed By Bella, the vampire, who’s also a nurse She smiles and applies the tourniquet tight He senses her skin, so anemic and white He knows that the color of true love is red And that tonight he may end up dead Softly she palpates his vein with her glove It’s hard and it’s ready. She shivers with love She wants all his blood. She wants every cell She lifts up her needle and tries not to yell And now you can hear the sound of the bell Of the cathedral, that slowly strikes twelve Bella whispers: “You’ll just feel a sting Cause Bruce, my darling, I’m coming in!” His pulse rate goes up and his pressure goes down He looks in her eyes that are golden and brown He loves her and gives her with all of his heart And doesn’t give a damn ‘bout his medical chart Come early morning he’s barely alive His pressure is forty over twenty five The sky in the east is now turning blue And Bella whispers: “Bruce, I love you” Oh Bella, you can’t use a patient for food You would be lucky not to get sued It’s wrong. It’s bad. It’s evil. It’s theft Bruce whispers: “Bella, I still have some left”
10.
Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren The orthopedist said: There is a fracture. I have to operate The anaesthetist said: Great. Can you please explicate? The orthopedist said: There is a fracture. I have to operate The anaesthetist said: I see, you need an operation But if I’m gonna do it. I need some more information The orthopedist said: It’s a fracture with a rotation The anaesthetist said: Ok, whose fracture is it? A he or a she? A heavyweight or a kleine? The orthopedist said: Whose fracture? Of course it’s mine! The anaesthetist said: But whom does the fracture belong to? Young or old? Any other lesions known? The orthopedist said: The fracture belongs to a bone! The anaesthetist said: And who belongs to the bone? The orthopedist said: I get it. She’s healthy. Let’s see: Diabetes, COPD and she’s 93 The anaesthetist said: Thank you! Anything else? The orthopedist said: Well, she’s laid three days in the woods So she is very fasted. Isn’t that good? The anaesthetist said: Anything about her heart? The orthopedist said: Oh yes, I have her ECG And she has, let’s see: Ventricular asystole The anaesthetist took a benzo and said: Ok Her heart, “the blood pump”, it’s stopped its beating The orthopedist said: Oh… But then there will be less bleeding? The anaesthetist said: The best is: We need no intubation Cause your lady’s breath is on an everlasting vacation The orthopedist was thinking of fracture stabilization The anaesthetist said: She’ll go to post mortem examination And then she’s off to funeral and cremation The orthopedist said: I’ll join her! She needs an operation! She needs an operation! Yes, I need an operation!
11.
Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren Romeo was a kind and sensible internist Who cared about his patients and cared about his charts He loved blood and being a hematologist But he lacked the beating of another heart Juliet lived for thoracic surgery She opened up lungs and hearts and fixed anything But her own heart, it was a tragedy It was lonely and her ring finger missed a ring One night in the ICU there lay a septic priest Romeo gave blood and Juliet drained the chest They fell in love as she touched him with her glove The priest passed away, but love was here to stay Romeo and Juliet Internist and surgeon They were a bad bet Their love was virgin Romeo and Juliet got symptoms of love: Blushing and tremors and lower IQ They flew in the hallways like turtledoves But now troubles came right out of the blue Cos Romeo’s colleagues said: “Is she the one for you? She is a simple carpenter. A pleb who likes pus She cannot spell anemia, uremia or flu Use your brain and fall in love with somebody like us” And Juliet’s colleagues said: “What have you done? He cannot use a scalpel. He cannot even sew He thinks before he talks. He is boring. He’s no fun He even has empathy. Time to quit the show!” Romeo and Juliet Internist and surgeon They were a bad bet Their love was virgin Friday on the grand round there was a fight Internists against surgeons. No one saw it start Romeo tried to keep the enemies apart But somehow stabbed his pen in the chief surgeon’s heart Spoken: It hurt very much. And he died Romeo fled to a cheap motel Juliet went on sick leave. It was a tragedy Without Romeo heaven became hell So she went to the professor of pharmacology He gave her a pill that made her sleep very deep And Romeo came running and thought she was dead She was so pale and fair and he began to weep He took her scalpel and his white coat turned red He sunk the ground and laid down by her side And Juliet woke up, terrified and cried. She said: to Oh, Please! You’re always overreacting! You think too much. A typical internist! She took a needle and a thread and stitched up her friend But after that they were never lovers again Romeo and Juliet Internist and surgeon They were a bad bet Their love was virgin
12.
Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren I’m not like the others Like Jenny and John and Bill Sometimes they get sick But I am never, ever ill They can stay at home When they are feeling bad But that’s not an option According to my dad My buddy is home from school At thirty seven point two But daddy says I am cool When I have forty-two My buddy, went to the ER Just because of a cough I know it sounds bizarre But it’s all I’m dreaming of I can never see a doctor I am never, ever ill Cause my father is a doctor He says: Open your mouth And shovels in a pill I can never see a doctor Cause dad’s an MD, PhD Yes, I’m a little sad To have my own dad Experiment on me And when I got sepsis He came to school in his Lexus And gave an intravenous mix And the sepsis was fixed And when I fell and broke my leg He carried me to my bed And made a chicken-wire cast And proudly said: ”Gee, I’m fast!” And when I ate a little peanut And I got all anaphylactic He said: “You just want attention Don’t be such a hysteric!” And when I got appendicitis He said: “I should be able” And put me to sleep with Baileys And cut it out on the kitchen table I can never see a doctor I try and try. I really do Daddy laughs and always tells me Who’s the doctor son? Who? Me or you? I can never see a doctor Except for doctor Advil I’m hiding all my tears, but probably for years I’ll have go to doctor Phil But now I’m gonna see a doctor And the doctor isn’t dad I am gonna visit father In the hospital, cause he is feeling bad Yesterday he was admitted Now he’s looking pale and old He talks about his will And won’t get home until He’s recovered from his cold
13.
Music: Joel Bexelius, Anders Dellson Lyrics: Henrik Widegren Having cappuccino on a Sunday afternoon The paper has a piece about an old jazz lady My daughter is beside me. She’s turning seven soon She says: “Daddy, how do you make a baby?” If a mommy and a daddy love each other very much Maybe they, one Saturday… hold hands And if they hold tight and didn’t drink too much scotch In a while, with a smile, a little baby lands I could relax again. I knew that she would understand And turned the paper to a feature story ‘bout Tibet But then she said: “Me and grandma have been holding hands And I don’t see that we have got a little baby yet!” Yes, but you see… To make a baby you need a girl and a boy And usually it’s not produced on their first date And when they’re holding hands a little navy is deployed And honestly, for grandma it’s a little late Yes, I’m a super teacher! I thought so I returned To my paper and a piece about Norwegian fern “But daddy, I was holding hands with Kevin and with Roy And I have checked, and I don’t have a little baby boy” I see, but you have to… Hold hands at least five minutes, maybe ten And some want the light on and some want it dark You do it once or over and over again And when you’re done holding hands, have a cigarette! But then my daughter told me: “Daddy, you are wrong I have read a book, and you’ve been wrong all along First you should undress even though it isn’t night Then go to a bed and hug each other tight After this a little sperm comes across an egg And settles down and the uterus becomes a shell The baby peeks out between the mother’s legs And then you’re happy even though it hurts like hell So now that you know how to become a parent Be a lover. Make my mother very pregnant I can watch Disney Channel. I won’t be a bother Drop your bloody paper and fix me a brother! Yes, run to the kitchen and make love to my mother!”

about

This is my first album in English! 13 songs about life and death in the hospital.

Songs:
Never Google Your Symptoms
Text Message From The ER
How Do You Make A Baby?
A Statistically Significant Love Song
The Ballad Of The Superstar Surgeon Paolo Macchiarini
It’s Always Good To Have A Stethoscope
I Want To Die
A Lovely Note
Bruce The Blood Donor And Bella The Vampire
There Is A Fracture
The Song Of Romeo The Internist And Juliet The Surgeon
I Can Never See A Doctor
How Do You Make A Baby? (ft XL Big Band)

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released April 1, 2019

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Henrik Widegren Sweden

"There are a thousand songs about love, but none about the bowel"

Henrik Widegren is a medical doctor who started writing geeky songs about medicine, healthcare and science when asked to perform at a hospital after work in 2012.

Now he has released six studio albums and has a YouTube channel (Henrik Widegren) with music videos. The latest album, Doctor Feelgood, was released September 18.
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