1. |
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Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
One evening, my father said: My son
I’m dying and soon I’ll be gone
But before my final farewell:
Hear me. And hear me well
Do whatever you want to do
Have a plan or roll the dice
But one thing is strictly taboo
Please, follow my advice
Never google your symptoms
That is my only prescription
You get a hundred diagnoses
And medieval prognoses
Every sign is a serious condition
If you google “cough” and “diagnosis”
You have got tuberculosis
And if you google “fever and red”
You’ve got Ebola and soon will be dead
And if you google “I’ve a runny nose”
It’s CSF. Your brain is leaking juice!
And if you google itch and prognosis:
Anaphylactic chock or psychosis
So never google your symptoms
Seldom it brings any wisdom
You want to discover
But you might uncover
That you have an extra chromosome
So this is what I heard my father say
And then he closed his eyes and passed away
The autopsy report was very clear
Death from hypochondric fear
Which is custom
When you google your symptoms
Never google your symptoms
The hit list is never awesome
Pain in your left arm?
Heart attack alarm!
Do you feel a little weak? Yes, you’ve got ALS!
If you have a slight anemia
You’ve got leukemia!
Are you a little crazy?
You’ve got ADHD!
So never, ever google
Your symptoms!
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2. |
Text Message From the ER
03:32
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Music: Amilcare Ponchielli (La Gioconda)
Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
Dearest mother, let me text you
I was bothered when I was next to
This fella in a sports bar
And then I spent the night at the ER
The nurse said: You’re next in line
In a minute you will be fine
But a bus crash created chaos
And nothing happened to me for eight hours
My first doctor smelled like garlic
But the second: Alcoholic
Disinfectant? Maybe yes
But should you have a disinfectant breath?
Then they had to run some blood tests
A young student did her very best
She worked her needle for 30 minutes
So now my arm has many holes in it
Then they sent me on a CAT scan
But that wasn’t a very good plan
Got a serious contrast reaction
But I felt better after intubation
But ICU was a problema
Cause they thought I was in coma
They took my kidney, but I was blessed
I woke up so they didn’t take the rest
But alas! I got sepsis
And of course endocarditis
Of multiresistant Staph Aureus
So I got new valves and I feel glorious
Was intubated in September
When I woke up in November
I was in pain and got a pill
Of course I choked and I went very still
Someone did a Heimlich’s maneuver
But the pill, it went nowhere
I turned blue and saw my life in slow-mo
So quickly, they put me in an ECMO
Woke up with soap in my groin
Because a nurse cleaned my loins
I was high and she was Venus
We were married two days after Christmas
Now I’m in rehab. I like my life
I’ve got a new valve and a wife
And I don’t miss my other kidney
It’s inside a lucky guy who lives in Sydney
So, dearest mother, this is the last verse
But I’m happy it didn’t get worse
If you remember, I was battered
But I was lucky, cause my nose wasn’t fractured
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3. |
How Do You Make a Baby?
03:35
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4. |
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Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
Today. I found my love today
Everybody says they knew long ago
But I am not that way
I demand evidence before I say I know
Finally it came to me: My theory’s confirmed
In all my experiments I have seen a trend
The null hypothesis is not at all sustained
It’s very likely
That you are more than a friend
I love you more than the median
I am certain cause the p-value is 0.01
Our love is blessed by a t-test
I can prove to you: I love you
Yes, I have evidence that you have got a crush
The autonomic nervous system doesn’t lie
Your dermal capillaries dilate and you start to blush
And our pupil size correlation is extremely high
Your curves don’t have a normal distribution
And your eyes are in the top ten percentile rank
Come with me and you will see my logical conclusion
A love that is statistically significant
You love me more than my control group
Cause you see when we meet your heart goes boop, boop, boop
And your pulse rate accelerates when we’re on a date
You must agree: You love me
I look into your eyes and think of decimals of pi
And playing with your open spreadsheets makes me high
And now my hard y-axis grows and reaches up to ten
And touches my x-axis until we come to origin
I love you and we have the evidence
Other people’s love can be a coincidence
They want flowers but we want
Hard statistical power
It’s the best breakthrough
I love you
And no one can doubt it
We can shout loud that we’re in love and proud
We have proofs in stacks
And no alternative facts
I can prove to you
That I love you
That I love you…
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5. |
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Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
Ladies and gentlemen
Please, let me sing
Let me tell a story,
So hideous and grim
It is just as crooked
As a tortellini
It is about the surgeon
Paolo Macchiarini
T’was in Stockholm, Sweden
Two thousand ten
A surgeon was recruited
By enterprising men
They celebrated with
Champagne and Martini:
”Hooray we got the superstar
Paolo Macchiarini!”
He wanted to facilitate
The patients’ respiration
With advanced medical
Regeneration
He thought outside the box
And anything goes
So he planted stem cells
On a garden hose
But some people were
Somewhat sceptical
What if the new trachea
Did not stick at all?
But no one likes
A naysaying genie
So they cheered and bowed
To Paolo Macchiarini
The next year in Stockholm
Opening night
The OR was packed
Everybody wanted a bite
But Paolo loved animals
Protocol, be cursed!
So he tried the operation
On humans first
In fancy papers he
Described his victory
And soon he operated
Patient two and three
But he forgot to mention
Something very odd
How the first patient was
Coughing up blood
Next in line was Julia
Not sickly at all
He told her that the risk
Was very, very small
She had a family and her hair
Was blond like linguine
She trusted the surgeon
Paolo Macchiarini
So Paolo kept busy
And patients in line
But the plastic airways
Weren’t doing fine
The tracheas are perfect
Reported Macchiarini
But the tracheas looked like
Rotting zucchini
One day four doctors
Finally awakened
And shouted out:
“The emperor is naked”
But the board said:
“How have you acquired
These medical records
We could have you fired”
But soon everybody
In this world could see
Plastic doesn’t work
But there was no plan B
Slowly the patients
Lost their breath
Their new, fantastic airways
Caused a slow death
At last Macchiarini
Together with the board
And the president
Were fired. Thank the Lord
But they’ve got new jobs
Are safe and sound
While half a dozen patients
Lay in the ground
So why do I sing this?
Why do I bore ye?
Because we must never
Forget this story
A mixture of Bergman and Fellini
The ballad of the surgeon
Paolo Macchiarini
The superstar surgeon
Paolo Macchiarini
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6. |
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Music: Henrik Widegren, Markus Nilsson, Tobias Ekqvist
Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
You can listen to the beating of the heart
You can hear all the murmurs of the valves
You can hear the air in the lungs
And all the bubbly stomach sounds
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
A stethoscope, a stethoscope
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
You can strangle an irritating patient
You can sell it if it’s valuable and ancient
You can use it as a wrecking ball
If your house is very small
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
Tie a wild and hyperactive child
Wrap it round your head to make you styled
Hang a dozen on your yacht and they’ll
Be like fenders on your boat rail
It is good to have a stethoscope
A stethoscope, a stethoscope
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
If your friend has fallen from a dock
Take your stethoscope and pull him up
Or bring it on your submarine
As a useless periscope
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
You can use it to caress your thigh
If your special friend has said good bye
Or why not tag along
And use it as a thong
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
A stethoscope, a stethoscope
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
You can always brush away some wax
If you’re hungry and in need of snacks
Or use it as an endoscope
If so, be sure to clean with soap
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
If you think that S&M is hip
You can always use it as a whip
Or give a stethoscope fetishist
His biggest trip
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
If you’re full and you would like to choke
You can pull it up and down your throat
Or write a really shitty song
That no one wants to quote
It’s always good to have a stethoscope
A stethoscope, a stethoscope
It’s always good to have a stethoscope…
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7. |
I Want to Die
04:30
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Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
Tony lay looking at the sun going down
He was in the hospital and he was ninety-one
He was in pain, but his wife and memory were gone
He lay and smiled and thought: “Dear Lord, now I am done”
Now is the time. I want to die
Now I have done all that I planned
I want to say goodbye
Now is the time. I want to die
He saw the doctor’s worried look and thought: “Hooray!
Finally they’re giving up. They’ll let me pass away”
But the doctor said: "You may be an old man
But Tony, I will get you well. I will do all I can!”
So Tony was prescribed seven new, expensive pills
To eat three times daily, before all his meals
But he put all the medicines in the flowerpot
All the pretty flowers died but Tony did not
The doctor in the ward was a nice and friendly guy
He said: “You’re lucky you don’t smoke, ‘cause smokers tend to die”
So right away, Tony made his start smoking plan
And soon he was chain smoking like a Marlboro Man
Now is the time. I want to die
Now I have done all that I planned
I want to say goodbye
Now is the time. I want to die
One day the doctor didn’t seem at ease and scratched his head:
“We must replace your heart. Otherwise you’re dead!”
So Tony switched beds before the operation
So his neighbor got Tony’s heart transplantation
So Tony thought: “Yes, I will die sooner than him”
However Tony’s neighbor happened to win
Because the roommate got a serious transplant rejection
And died two days later in his complication
Now is the time. I want to die
Now I have done all that I planned
I want to say goodbye
Now is the time. I want to die
But Tony recalled the Count of Monte Cristo’s trick
This is the way out. I have to be quick
He switched beds again and prayed to the Lord
And under the blanket he was rolled to the morgue
Once in the lift things didn’t go according to plan
His throat was dry and itching. He was an old man
He coughed under the blanket and sat up and smiled
But the poor nurse got a heart attack and died
When Tony returned to the ward he was stressed
Everybody knew and the doctor was depressed
So Tony thought to himself: I will tag along
And take all my doctor’s medication from now on
So Tony took his pill organizer, but did not
Empty it in the window frame flowerpot
But he got swollen in the throat and died, because you see
He had a drug allergy and now he’s free!
Now is the time. I want to die
Now I have done all that I planned
I want to say goodbye
Now is the time. I want to die
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8. |
A Lovely Note
03:37
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Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
There is a principle
Called the sausage principle
It says: If you love something, leave it that way
And never find out how it is made
I love to sing
I love how voices ring
But I had to see it to be satisfied
And this is what it looks like inside:
A lovely note comes from a slimy throat
The vocal cords don’t win beauty awards
It may seem strange, but nothing’s wrong
An ugly tube makes a pretty song
Now that I know
I must let it go
Jussi Björling, Judy Garland and Maria Carey
I love you even though your throats look scary
So when your lover sings
Smile and pull him closer
Listen to his magic music, look into his eyes
And whisper: “I love your mucosa”
A pretty waltz comes from hideous vaults
A melody is just anatomy
The very source of a lullaby
Will probably make the baby cry
A smell of rose goes to a snotty nose
Vivaldi’s tone comes through a wax-filled zone
A tender loin and a good Champagne
Goes to a sticky gut and a gooey brain
A sticky gut and a gooey brain
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9. |
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Music: Traditional (Monday Morning)
Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
Tonight isn’t like any typical night
Cause tonight in the blood bank there shines a light
Bruce is a blood donor. His heart is cursed
By Bella, the vampire, who’s also a nurse
She smiles and applies the tourniquet tight
He senses her skin, so anemic and white
He knows that the color of true love is red
And that tonight he may end up dead
Softly she palpates his vein with her glove
It’s hard and it’s ready. She shivers with love
She wants all his blood. She wants every cell
She lifts up her needle and tries not to yell
And now you can hear the sound of the bell
Of the cathedral, that slowly strikes twelve
Bella whispers: “You’ll just feel a sting
Cause Bruce, my darling, I’m coming in!”
His pulse rate goes up and his pressure goes down
He looks in her eyes that are golden and brown
He loves her and gives her with all of his heart
And doesn’t give a damn ‘bout his medical chart
Come early morning he’s barely alive
His pressure is forty over twenty five
The sky in the east is now turning blue
And Bella whispers: “Bruce, I love you”
Oh Bella, you can’t use a patient for food
You would be lucky not to get sued
It’s wrong. It’s bad. It’s evil. It’s theft
Bruce whispers: “Bella, I still have some left”
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10. |
There Is a Fracture
03:17
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Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
The orthopedist said: There is a fracture. I have to operate
The anaesthetist said: Great. Can you please explicate?
The orthopedist said: There is a fracture. I have to operate
The anaesthetist said: I see, you need an operation
But if I’m gonna do it. I need some more information
The orthopedist said: It’s a fracture with a rotation
The anaesthetist said: Ok, whose fracture is it?
A he or a she? A heavyweight or a kleine?
The orthopedist said: Whose fracture? Of course it’s mine!
The anaesthetist said: But whom does the fracture belong to?
Young or old? Any other lesions known?
The orthopedist said: The fracture belongs to a bone!
The anaesthetist said: And who belongs to the bone?
The orthopedist said: I get it. She’s healthy. Let’s see:
Diabetes, COPD and she’s 93
The anaesthetist said: Thank you! Anything else?
The orthopedist said: Well, she’s laid three days in the woods
So she is very fasted. Isn’t that good?
The anaesthetist said: Anything about her heart?
The orthopedist said: Oh yes, I have her ECG
And she has, let’s see: Ventricular asystole
The anaesthetist took a benzo and said: Ok
Her heart, “the blood pump”, it’s stopped its beating
The orthopedist said: Oh… But then there will be less bleeding?
The anaesthetist said: The best is: We need no intubation
Cause your lady’s breath is on an everlasting vacation
The orthopedist was thinking of fracture stabilization
The anaesthetist said: She’ll go to post mortem examination
And then she’s off to funeral and cremation
The orthopedist said: I’ll join her! She needs an operation!
She needs an operation!
Yes, I need an operation!
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11. |
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Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
Romeo was a kind and sensible internist
Who cared about his patients and cared about his charts
He loved blood and being a hematologist
But he lacked the beating of another heart
Juliet lived for thoracic surgery
She opened up lungs and hearts and fixed anything
But her own heart, it was a tragedy
It was lonely and her ring finger missed a ring
One night in the ICU there lay a septic priest
Romeo gave blood and Juliet drained the chest
They fell in love as she touched him with her glove
The priest passed away, but love was here to stay
Romeo and Juliet
Internist and surgeon
They were a bad bet
Their love was virgin
Romeo and Juliet got symptoms of love:
Blushing and tremors and lower IQ
They flew in the hallways like turtledoves
But now troubles came right out of the blue
Cos Romeo’s colleagues said: “Is she the one for you?
She is a simple carpenter. A pleb who likes pus
She cannot spell anemia, uremia or flu
Use your brain and fall in love with somebody like us”
And Juliet’s colleagues said: “What have you done?
He cannot use a scalpel. He cannot even sew
He thinks before he talks. He is boring. He’s no fun
He even has empathy. Time to quit the show!”
Romeo and Juliet
Internist and surgeon
They were a bad bet
Their love was virgin
Friday on the grand round there was a fight
Internists against surgeons. No one saw it start
Romeo tried to keep the enemies apart
But somehow stabbed his pen in the chief surgeon’s heart
Spoken: It hurt very much. And he died
Romeo fled to a cheap motel
Juliet went on sick leave. It was a tragedy
Without Romeo heaven became hell
So she went to the professor of pharmacology
He gave her a pill that made her sleep very deep
And Romeo came running and thought she was dead
She was so pale and fair and he began to weep
He took her scalpel and his white coat turned red
He sunk the ground and laid down by her side
And Juliet woke up, terrified and cried. She said: to
Oh, Please! You’re always overreacting! You think too much. A typical internist!
She took a needle and a thread and stitched up her friend
But after that they were never lovers again
Romeo and Juliet
Internist and surgeon
They were a bad bet
Their love was virgin
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12. |
I Can Never See a Doctor
03:00
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Music/Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
I’m not like the others
Like Jenny and John and Bill
Sometimes they get sick
But I am never, ever ill
They can stay at home
When they are feeling bad
But that’s not an option
According to my dad
My buddy is home from school
At thirty seven point two
But daddy says I am cool
When I have forty-two
My buddy, went to the ER
Just because of a cough
I know it sounds bizarre
But it’s all I’m dreaming of
I can never see a doctor
I am never, ever ill
Cause my father is a doctor
He says: Open your mouth
And shovels in a pill
I can never see a doctor
Cause dad’s an MD, PhD
Yes, I’m a little sad
To have my own dad
Experiment on me
And when I got sepsis
He came to school in his Lexus
And gave an intravenous mix
And the sepsis was fixed
And when I fell and broke my leg
He carried me to my bed
And made a chicken-wire cast
And proudly said: ”Gee, I’m fast!”
And when I ate a little peanut
And I got all anaphylactic
He said: “You just want attention
Don’t be such a hysteric!”
And when I got appendicitis
He said: “I should be able”
And put me to sleep with Baileys
And cut it out on the kitchen table
I can never see a doctor
I try and try. I really do
Daddy laughs and always tells me
Who’s the doctor son? Who? Me or you?
I can never see a doctor
Except for doctor Advil
I’m hiding all my tears, but probably for years
I’ll have go to doctor Phil
But now I’m gonna see a doctor
And the doctor isn’t dad
I am gonna visit father
In the hospital, cause he is feeling bad
Yesterday he was admitted
Now he’s looking pale and old
He talks about his will
And won’t get home until
He’s recovered from his cold
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13. |
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Music: Joel Bexelius, Anders Dellson
Lyrics: Henrik Widegren
Having cappuccino on a Sunday afternoon
The paper has a piece about an old jazz lady
My daughter is beside me. She’s turning seven soon
She says: “Daddy, how do you make a baby?”
If a mommy and a daddy love each other very much
Maybe they, one Saturday… hold hands
And if they hold tight and didn’t drink too much scotch
In a while, with a smile, a little baby lands
I could relax again. I knew that she would understand
And turned the paper to a feature story ‘bout Tibet
But then she said: “Me and grandma have been holding hands
And I don’t see that we have got a little baby yet!”
Yes, but you see…
To make a baby you need a girl and a boy
And usually it’s not produced on their first date
And when they’re holding hands a little navy is deployed
And honestly, for grandma it’s a little late
Yes, I’m a super teacher! I thought so I returned
To my paper and a piece about Norwegian fern
“But daddy, I was holding hands with Kevin and with Roy
And I have checked, and I don’t have a little baby boy”
I see, but you have to…
Hold hands at least five minutes, maybe ten
And some want the light on and some want it dark
You do it once or over and over again
And when you’re done holding hands, have a cigarette!
But then my daughter told me: “Daddy, you are wrong
I have read a book, and you’ve been wrong all along
First you should undress even though it isn’t night
Then go to a bed and hug each other tight
After this a little sperm comes across an egg
And settles down and the uterus becomes a shell
The baby peeks out between the mother’s legs
And then you’re happy even though it hurts like hell
So now that you know how to become a parent
Be a lover. Make my mother very pregnant
I can watch Disney Channel. I won’t be a bother
Drop your bloody paper and fix me a brother!
Yes, run to the kitchen and make love to my mother!”
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Henrik Widegren Sweden
"There are a thousand songs about love, but none about the bowel"
Henrik Widegren
is a medical doctor who started writing geeky songs about medicine, healthcare and science when asked to perform at a hospital after work in 2012.
Now he has released six studio albums and has a YouTube channel (Henrik Widegren) with music videos. The latest album, Doctor Feelgood, was released September 18.
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